it is absolutely astonishing how little i can do for such an extended period of time. i think i could make "sitting around and halfheartedly thinking about what i should be doing" a full-time job. i find that to be both a little awe-inspiring and a lot scary.
it’s summer school time, and my students are really not working at all. they’re frustrating me like crazy–they are the complete opposite of my spring class, which worked overtime. i am quite annoyed by the abrupt 180 from that class to this one, and i just have to keep reminding myself that it will be over in a couple of weeks.
summer is also the time when i’m supposed to get my Real Work done, since there are no faculty meetings and (if you want) no classes to teach. unfortunately for us, we have a mortgage, so we both teach as much summer school as we can. in addition, i decided to teach in the first six weeks, so i haven’t had a "break" yet (and i really need one)… and i’m also advising a thesis for a student who is actively working this summer… and i’m wrapping up an independent study with a very motivated student who turned her one project into two this past spring. not a lot of time for my Real Work in there.
this is the summer before i am supposed to go up for tenure, so i have the added stress of: (a) sending out anything even remotely publishable, (b) deciding who to select as my case manager–bah, politics, (c) thinking about who to suggest for my oustide letters of support, and (d) whatever else i’m supposed to be doing but am not.
it is so frustrating to be 31, with a real career, and yet feel like i haven’t figured myself out. i always used to say that i worked best under pressure. i am such a procrastinator, but i have never really been "punished" for it (i.e., i always finished the paper and got a good grade), so i decided it must work for me. then again, when i am really and truly freaked about something, i just shut down and can’t do it. i first became aware of that problem when working on my dissertation, and it’s still true today. i’d rather do 274 little things that i can rationalize "need doing" than get to work on the one giant thing that will ruin me if i don’t do it.
and so here i am, thinking halfheartedly about the thing i really need to do, which is write some manuscripts. i kind of hate me today.