sometimes i wonder if i’m too impulsive about certain things. or maybe impulsive isn’t really the correct word. i guess i just wonder if sometimes i lean on that old adage of “going with my gut” when i shouldn’t. i mean, even though i tend to be very organized and rational about a lot of things (or at least, i can be when the situation calls for it or i think it will help), there are other things that i tend to let my heart take the lead on… and i’m not sure if that’s good or not.
right now i’m thinking about the whole adopt-a-dog thing in particular. i feel like my gut or my heart (or whatever it is) keeps flip-flopping and it makes me confused and worried. i do a lot of research on big decisions (which is good), but i also over-analyze (which can sometimes be bad), and the end result is that my heart changes its mind a lot, and i second-guess myself in what seems like an infinite loop. if i talk things out with another person and force myself to get a little more rational and list-y, i usually feel better… but then an hour later i’ll get all sucked into some weird detail and get freaked out again. i’m driving myself a little batty at this point.
our home visit is coming up in two days, and i’m equal parts excited and terrified. maybe i should have led with that.
the long and short of it is, i loved the adoption counselor i talked to last night (who will be conducting our home visit), and i’m very excited to have her here so that we can ask her questions upon questions and start feeling more prepared to make this massively enormous decision. she has two cats and two greyhounds, so she’ll hopefully be a fantastic model and resource. she’ll be bringing her girldog with her, which will be nice because we’ll not only have a Real Live Greyhound in our house (a concrete example rather than a daydream), but also we’ll get to see how the cats react to a proven cat-friendly grey.
at the same time i’m scared, because it’s one HUGE step closer to getting “approved” and matched with potential dogs, which makes me a little panicky. what if we’re not ready? what if we’d be crappy dog parents? what if we’re tormented by decision paralysis? i actually nudged my husband to submit the application and get this ball rolling, because i felt that it made more sense to get serious if we wanted the chance to actually talk to people who can answer our questions and make us feel more prepared for whatever decision we ultimately make… and i still feel that way, but i’m scared anyway. i just really don’t want to do the wrong thing.
i have these moments where i envision our home with two happy unchanged boykitties (sweet as ever, social as ever, and friends with the dog) and a sweet girldog (nice to the kitties, likes living with us), and it makes me really happy. but then i have other moments where i picture all of this tension and/or uncertainty (translation: failure), and that’s not fun at all. and these moments are only hours or even minutes apart, sometimes. it’s disorienting and i don’t know which way to go; which one to trust; which one to silence.