today is my fourth vegan anniversary (and also ryan at vegblog's!), hooray! i mentioned last year that i always hope to do something exciting and special on my anniversary day, but i usually end up doing a bunch of not much. evidently, i suck at planning. i had visions of spending my day today going out for yummy pancakes in the morning, then going to an awards ceremony this afternoon (yay me!), and then maybe going out for fancypants dinner tonight. instead, we both slept for crap last night because our doggie has colitis (yay) and we did nothing this morning but call the vet (husband) and sleep in (me) and shower and get ready (both of us). we went to the awards ceremony, but my husband had to leave early to take maia to the only available appointment (he was able to see my award, at least), and then after all of that i went home to change clothes and then just came back to school. celebratory, no?
i am in a funk lately. you may have noticed this from my posts, because i keep whining about blending in and feeling on display and nervous all the time. i'm sorry; no one likes a whiner and i hate that i've been taking that tone. i think i'm stressed out about a variety of things, which in turn makes me angry and upset because Sabbatical Is For Not Being Stressed Out and here i am, all riled up. i have been feeling alternately unimportant, misunderstood, not good enough, silly, stupid, and useless lately. and i'm learning more and more that i'm one of those people who just wants everyone to like her, and to achieve that goal, i end up constantly shelving my actual thoughts and/or feelings, shoving them down for the "greater good" or to resist "making waves" or getting anyone upset with me or who knows what the hell i think i'm doing. i don't know. so today was supposed to be this Big Exciting Day, what with the (actually really big-deal) award i was receiving, and the big 4th vegan anniversary, and instead i was feeling weepy all morning. so stupid.
i went to the ceremony and sat in the front row with the other honorees, and tried to calm my own nerves–to center myself and make myself enjoy the moment. i succeeded after awhile, and my mood lightened a bit. i socialized a little and tried to let go of all the negative blah that has been bothering me lately. there was a man playing jazz guitar as "mood music" before the program started, and he seemed like a really neat guy. unfortunately for me, i'm so not a fan of jazz, but still, he seemed nice. he played before the program, and then he also played throughout, every time a recipient would walk up onto the stage and get their award–kind of like when a movie star comes out onto a talk show. he just played unrecognizable (to me) jazz riffs, but a different one for each person. it was kind of a cute and quirky touch. anyhow, when it was my turn, they read a bunch of jive about me and put a massive picture of my noggin on a huge screen, and then asked me to come up on stage. as i stood up, i waited for my jazz riff, and was totally pleasantly surprised when cute jazz guitar dude broke into here comes the sun by the beatles. it made me smile and it tOtally lifted my spirits. i know this is corny and magnificently lame, but seriously, it made me really happy. he played it for my whole little walk up onto stage, and kept playing until i walked back off. awwww. i wanted to hug him.
thanks for brightening my day, jazz guitar dude. happy anniversary to me.